Add a Little White to Grey

Here is a confession; I have lost to negative force today.

Thinking maybe writing might help, so I try to relax and close my eyes.

In that pitch of darkness, bits and pieces of color patches appeared. They have a term for it, called “phosphenes”; which came from the Greek words “phos”, meaning “light”, and “phainein”, meaning “to show”. This happened at times when I rub my eyes or shut them a little tighter than I usually do. I remembered them clearly, because it reminds me of this silver linings outlines I saw from the puffy clouds during my stay at Cambodia and Bangkok. Especially in the journey of waiting and traveling on a vehicle, all I had to do was to look up and enjoy the moment.

We do not suffer from the shock of our trauma, but we make out of it what suits our purposes.

– Alfred Adler

Long Messages

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If you ask me, what is the one thing that I am most afraid of, I would say aside from insects, and losing someone I care about, it would be your long messages. Long messages that are filled with hurtful truth. The kind of truth that cuts me inside out which nobody but you can do. Bad enough to cause me hyperventilate and I am not exaggerating. Sometimes I feel like I am longing for this sort of pain, ’cause without pain, I wouldn’t be able to feel anymore alive. Like when you were young, you pinched yourself to see if you are dreaming; unfortunately you are in the reality, and that, frightens me a lot. It feels like I made a wrong move, rushed things, did something inappropriate or not right. I am afraid of long messages written by nothing but this heartfelt honesty of yours. Often, I will imagine a conversation that go somewhat like this.

A: Can you hear me?

B: Yes.

A: Did you hear me?

B: Maybe…

A: Why didn’t you respond?

B: …I’m afraid. Most of the time I feel tired. Life could be very disappointing.

I know, I know. How could I not know? There are many times I hollered for someone, hoping someone would come to me and tell me this is just a passing phase and everything is going to be all right. But that is also the thing about pain isn’t it? It demands to be felt. Then I said to myself, ‘what is joy without going through pain’. Usually, the unseen ones are the real pain. The unbearable pain.

That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don’t expect to get anything back, don’t expect recognition for your efforts, don’t expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride inability, or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are.

Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

Believe me, I will always try to make things easier for you.

Muffin, Muffin

Wouldn’t it be outrageous for me to make a post out of it? You owe me a muffin. I am not sure if my friend is reading this but you owe me a (it doesn’t have to be one) homemade muffin. A muffin that has to be made by you. Think I have just make myself sounded really bad. Bad enough to make myself seem like a demanding child, like I am someone petty. Feelings aside, back to muffin. “Why am I chasing after one muffin like this? It’s not like I can’t afford a muffin,” I mumbled. I hope you did not forget our exchange. You owe me a muffin. #stupidego

“You are not going to cab home, are you?” Kay asked.

“Since you mentioned, I will take the bus.” I replied.

Walking together is always nice when it comes unexpected. We reached your place earlier than I expected. Deep down, I did not want the night to end so soon and so I said, “shall we grab a drink?” You did not hear them wrong. It was structured as a question, but I was not asking. I was notifying in courtesy. *laughs* We got the drinks and headed back to your area, then you claimed that you should go home. That moment, I cannot help but to frown. My left hand then reached for your right elbow and drag you to the gigantic stairs where we sat the other time. Feeling slightly embarrassed to react like a five year old.

But, you still owe me muffin.

The Story Behind 140 Characters

A friend who does not use twitter asked me about what did I tweet the other day, and so I thought it would be interesting if I post up a few here. Of course, there are really emotional ones when I am down. Usually it has no explanation of what it means exactly. Some of you should know that writing is my only channel out. Hence, this is the story behind some of the 140 limited characters of tweets on my Twitter.

28/3/13

Still holding onto that glimpse of hope.

I don’t know if this makes sense. But when you treasure or have the heart for someone, you want to believe this person so much that you couldn’t bear to let go of the faith of yours.

23/3/13

In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate.
– Isaac Asimov

Meaning when you feel trapped at your lowest point in life, life still goes on.

22/3/13

Frankly speaking, I won’t deny that I like the thrill of being chase by time.

That always happens one day before my assignment is due.

17/3/13

Be my motivation, will you?

Well, apparently not, yet.

4/3/13

Not easy, but doable.

Think I was referring to the struggle I am currently facing in school.

19/2/13

I wish I have that sort of courage.

A random friend of another friend added me on Facebook because she was interested in my friend (or maybe still is) and she wanted to know her ‘friends’ so she could get her friends to ‘tag team’ with her and get my friend. Well, I thought it was pretty dumb but her courage was admirable.

2/2/13

Feel there is a need to getaway.

Sometimes life can be pretty harsh on us, and you feel there’s a need to escape. Almost got a ticket to Hong Kong that day.

2/2/13

I need to be more disciplined.

When it comes to studies…

1/2/13

Not to exaggerate, but it’s like fireworks inside me.

That was the first time I walked a person home.

24/1/13

Some people, they just don’t (and won’t) understand.

So I don’t bother to talk or explain much.

19/1/13

I have so much to say, but none came out.

I am still, trying.

An Escape From Realism

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It may be just like any other nights to others but not for me. I hope it feels different for you too. You asked if I want to sit around and talk for awhile and so we settled down on one of the gigantic stairs platform; the highest one. I like quiet times like this, just the two of us conversing. There is not a need for us to keep the conversation going on and on ’cause we are comfortable with the pace and I assumed that we are all right with keeping this silent for awhile.

Twelfth Night on a Monday

How do I even come out with this title? Looking at my left hand, I start to count them one by one, starting from my thumb, follow by the index finger, middle finger and so forth… One, two, three, four, five-‘Twelfth Night on a Monday’, I counted. Optimistically, I am one of the few that wouldn’t get affected by Mondays, there is no such thing as Monday blues. Certainly, I had a long day today. It was tough and I am sure many of your Mondays did not go easy on you either. Does that mean I had a Monday as long as twelfth night? No. It is as simple as I received a Twelfth Night on a Monday.

In life, we can only depend on our own and if you are lucky, you will find a handful of friends who sincerely cares about you, a few that you can really trust and rely on. There are no words to express how lucky I am to be able to find friends who care about me. Just that a few of them are studying aboard and working at other parts of the world. Like me, they are pursuing their personal legends, searching for a great perhaps.

It was a Monday, an exceptionally long day. I slept late the night before, went to work in the morning, rushed to school in the evening and only had my ‘dinner’ at 10pm. During ‘dinner’, I listened to my friend’s talk and got home feeling really dreadful. At home, a package was left on my table wrapped with a plastic airbag. Closing to the end of the plastic airbag, it stated ‘…Registered in England and Wales’, I was thrilled and right on the spot I knew who this was from. Inside the plastic airbag was an envelop that was wrapped with huge scotch tapes all over to protect the parcel. But it seemed like it was injured with plasters all over. It stated ‘To: Michelle Lim’ in pink and my address was in green with a childlike handwriting. Obviously this person is trying very hard to be cute (hahahahaha). Alright. Anyway, coincidentally, what you sent to me was similar to what I have sent to you. If we are having this conversation right now, I could imagine, this is the moment where we will laugh it off with our hands pointing back and forth at you and me, and say, this is the power of ‘boobie telepathy’.

A Random Occurrence

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Don’t tire yourself.

Would you say the same to a stranger you have barely known for 15 minutes? A stranger told me that today. “Don’t tire yourself,” he said. Right at that moment I thought, ‘yeah, I’m really tired’. And that wouldn’t have come across my mind if he hadn’t remind me. Holding on to so many things and yet to find a balance in life. “Don’t tire yourself,” he said. A stranger pointed out a fact he sees in you, his concern in seeing a young girl struggling with her life as though he has been though the same or met with a similar circumstance. I finish my drink and left that place. After three minutes of walk, I settled down in another cafe and ordered a cup of latte. As soon as I settled down, I took out my readings for school and felt really googly. Thereafter, I rest my head on the table and fell asleep. The shop owner then walk towards me and asked, “are you okay?” And I replied, “yep, I’m leaving”. Then I recalled what the stranger has told me, “don’t tire yourself,” he said.

Hence, that makes me wonder, knowing most Singaporeans, would you say the same to another stranger? Would you say that to another friend? I could almost forget when was the last time I heard that from someone else. “Don’t tire yourself,” he said.