Something really awkward happened last Friday. My friends and I were having supper at Simpang Bedok after our late night show around 4am in the morning. What’s awkward was that I bumped into my eye candy (back when I was 15) and they happened to sit right next to our table. Let’s name this person as C, and I will tell you how we met. C was one of my instructor in CO (Chinese Orchestra), and C happened to teach me this instrument I was learning for a period of time. My impression of C was someone of sophistication, talent, quiet, and on a side note, C have a nice smile. The thing is, C still looks the same after all these years. Do you people even aged?!
The last time I saw C was probably in a club 3 years ago. Obviously, I was shocked to see C randomly in the middle of the night of a ghost-town. The good kind of shock. I have to admit that I was astonished. To be honest, I was taken aback by C’s friendliness when C turned over to my direction a few times and asked me a question or two once in awhile. I mean that was nice. Note to self: appreciate every small gesture.
Hundred Little Reasons – Small Talk
Hello, come on in and take your coat off.
Would you like a cup of tea?
With milk and sugar.
How have you been?
I’ve been good, it’s so nice to be here with you.
You look so well, how long has it been?
Since we met up? I don’t know.
it feels like years and the old days.
How’s your lady, how’s your little one?
Are they all well?
Can’t believe she’s grown so big.
nor can I, sorry to say that I must be going.
We really must try to do this more often,
have you got my number?
Send my love to everyone, goodbye
About a month ago, 6:45am to be precise, I was thinking about the meaning of the word and its implication. It was so quiet that I could hear the birds chirping away. I remembered reading my friends’ blog that very same night. Just right before I slept, I kind of thought back and reflected on those that were still recurring in my mind. One that kept me thinking about was something Massha has written, she said, “…Do whatever you want – as long as it does not negotiate on your faith & values or put the lives of others into misery”. It got me thinking, probably because I feel bad having to feel pangs of guilt and remorse. I would hate to admit but I think I did and still place a burden on my family. It feel like I am self-condemning some of these major decision I have made for myself seemed like a really wrong idea. I may not be the smartest person on earth, but I can differentiate the difference between right and wrong, what I have to do and what not. Though most of these decisions was just to prove myself. Perhaps, some of you might think that I am selfish. But sometimes sacrifices need to be make in order to achieve something you want badly.
Right from the start, I blamed your ex.
How could anyone do this to you? Of course, that’s life. Everyone is sad; people gets hurt; they are jaded, and everybody is bruising at one point of time. As your friend, I got agitated, I was annoyed and upset with your ex even though I have never met your ex before. You have never revealed much about your ex. I could imagine every time someone mention your ex or when you talk about your ex, your heart sank and wrenched a little. Still, you tried to put on a strong upfront whenever that happens. And I salute to that. You would not want to share much, maybe you want to keep that secrecy just between the two of you.
I know you, I somewhat know you. You are stubborn just like me. And perhaps to an extent, I’m jealous. Because your ex is the reason of who you are and what you have become now. The ex who shared and have very much of your every first experiences; the ex who taught you everything and who is the reason you hesitate to get close to people. There must be something really precious that you had given it to her, else it wouldn’t leave you scarred, I pondered.
My friend advised that I should stop reminding you that you are stubborn as this might invoke self-fulfilling prophecy. It went through my mind for a few days, and I thought maybe I should really stop doing that. Then again, that is also another thing I like about you. You need to know, that wasn’t what I really mean, and it has never meant to make you negative in anyway.
Don’t allow your wounds to transform you into someone you are not.
Paulo Coelho, Manuscript Found in Accra
I once read it somewhere, that the purest form of forgive and forget is to let go of your old own and move beyond. Mayhap you should start doing that.
So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.
F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby
Here is a confession; I have lost to negative force today.
Thinking maybe writing might help, so I try to relax and close my eyes.
In that pitch of darkness, bits and pieces of color patches appeared. They have a term for it, called “phosphenes”; which came from the Greek words “phos”, meaning “light”, and “phainein”, meaning “to show”. This happened at times when I rub my eyes or shut them a little tighter than I usually do. I remembered them clearly, because it reminds me of this silver linings outlines I saw from the puffy clouds during my stay at Cambodia and Bangkok. Especially in the journey of waiting and traveling on a vehicle, all I had to do was to look up and enjoy the moment.
We do not suffer from the shock of our trauma, but we make out of it what suits our purposes.
– Alfred Adler